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The GOP’s Obamacare Replacement Plan

Leah Slater

Leah Slater Writer, Comedian

S. 107
The Self-Care Act

To replace the Affordable Care Act of 2010 with affordable, quality self-care tips for all Americans.

IN THE SENATE OF THE UNITED STATES

Mr. CRUZ (for himself, Mr. McCONNELL, Mr. RUBIO, and Mr. PAUL) introduced the following bill; which was read twice and referred to the Committee on Finance.

A BILL
That is way better than the Affordable Care Act of 2010. We promise.

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,

SECTION 1. SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE; INTRODUCTION, TABLE OF DIVISIONS, TITLES, AND SUBTITLES.

a.) SHORT TITLE. — This Act may be cited as the “Self-Care Act of 2017.”

b.) INTRODUCTION. — The Affordable Care Act (Public Law 111–148) will be replaced with the Self-Care Act. Americans surviving under the SCA will be provided with helpful and cost-effective self-care tips that can be performed without the assistance of medical professionals. Tax-paying Americans will no longer be burdened with paying for a broken healthcare system (cough, Obamacare, cough). Those insured under the Self-Care Act cannot be denied health care for pre-existing conditions because they will be their own healthcare providers. Think of this bill as providing assurance instead of insurance.

c.) TABLE OF DIVISIONS, TITLES, AND SUBTITLES. —This Act is divided into divisions, titles, and subtitles as follows:

DIVISION A—AFFORDABLE SELF-CARE TIPS

TITLE I—SELF-CARE FOR MINOR INJURIES AND AILMENTS
Subtitle A—Walk It Off
Subtitle B—Get Some Rest
Subtitle C—Read the Bible
Subtitle D—Shoot a Gun
Subtitle E—Suck It Up, Crybaby
Subtitle F—Mrs. McConnell’s Chicken Soup Recipe

TITLE II—SELF-CARE FOR MENTAL ILLNESS
Subtitle A—Happiness is a Choice
Subtitle B—Just Be Normal
Subtitle C—Pray the Gay Away
Subtitle D—Make Love to a Gun
Subtitle D—Snap Out of It, Snowflake
Subtitle E—Mrs. Cruz’s Bathtub Zoloft Recipe

TITLE III—SELF-CARE FOR PRENATAL AND NEONATAL CARE
Subtitle A—Don’t Have an Abortion
Subtitle B—Don’t Have an Abortion
Subtitle C—Don’t Have an Abortion
Subtitle D—You Have a Baby Now!

TITLE IV—SELF-CARE FOR WOMEN’S HEALTH
Subtitle A—Listen to Your Dad
Subtitle B—Listen to Your Brother
Subtitle C—Listen to Your Husband
Subtitle D—Listen to Your Son
Subtitle E—Listen to Jesus
Subtitle F—Listen to Your Male Teacher
Subtitle G—Listen to Your Mailman
Subtitle H—Listen to That Homeless Man
Subtitle I—Take a Bubble Bath, Or Something

TITLE V—SELF-CARE FOR DEATH AND DISMEMBERMENT
Subtitle A—Sending Thoughts and Prayers!

 

***

Reposted from McSweeney's.

Leah Slater is a writer and comedian who lives in Chicago. Her name rhymes with ‘see ya later’ and means ‘weary layer of slater roofs,’ which is actually her backup plan if this whole comedy thing doesn’t work out.

Posted In: Allied Approaches

Union Matters

Get to Know AFL-CIO's Affiliates: National Association of Letter Carriers

From the AFL-CIO

Next up in our series that takes a deeper look at each of our affiliates is the National Association of Letter Carriers.

Name of Union: National Association of Letter Carriers (NALC)

Mission: To unite fraternally all city letter carriers employed by the U.S. Postal Service for their mutual benefit; to obtain and secure rights as employees of the USPS and to strive at all times to promote the safety and the welfare of every member; to strive for the constant improvement of the Postal Service; and for other purposes. NALC is a single-craft union and is the sole collective-bargaining agent for city letter carriers.

Current Leadership of Union: Fredric V. Rolando serves as president of NALC, after being sworn in as the union's 18th president in 2009. Rolando began his career as a letter carrier in 1978 in South Miami before moving to Sarasota in 1984. He was elected president of Branch 2148 in 1988 and served in that role until 1999. In the ensuing years, he worked in various roles for NALC before winning his election as a national officer in 2002, when he was elected director of city delivery. In 2006, he won election as executive vice president. Rolando was re-elected as NALC president in 2010, 2014 and 2018.

Brian Renfroe serves as executive vice president, Lew Drass as vice president, Nicole Rhine as secretary-treasurer, Paul Barner as assistant secretary-treasurer, Christopher Jackson as director of city delivery, Manuel L. Peralta Jr. as director of safety and health, Dan Toth as director of retired members, Stephanie Stewart as director of the Health Benefit Plan and James W. “Jim” Yates as director of life insurance.

Number of Members: 291,000 active and retired letter carriers.

Members Work As: City letter carriers.

Industries Represented: The United States Postal Service.

History: In 1794, the first letter carriers were appointed by Congress as the implementation of the new U.S. Constitution was being put into effect. By the time of the Civil War, free delivery of city mail was established and letter carriers successfully concluded a campaign for the eight-hour workday in 1888. The next year, letter carriers came together in Milwaukee and the National Association of Letter Carriers was formed.

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